Sigh!

One thing I've learnt about myself is that I like to take out things on my own....especially negative things. If I'm hurt, bitter, angry....all negative feelings... I bottle them up inside me, and take them out in my journal or when am alone.

People have told me that it's not the right way to let out your feelings, but it works for me. I find it easier to sit on my bed and cry after a gruelling fight with my mum, rather than abuse and disrespect her...or say something that I'll live to regret.

I'd rather cry alone in a my room and later approach my best friend on what she did that hurt me, rather than break our friendship on first impulse of knowledge of the issue. It gives me time to sort out my thoughts and know what action to take.

I'd rather be alone and quiet when finding out something shocking/disheartening. It's much better than saying something that will turn the whole situation around and I won't be able to fix it. It gives me time....again...to put my thoughts together and evaluate the situation, so that I know what action to take.

I've learnt alot in this life...and I'm still learning. But as I go along, I prefer to continue being me....on how i deal with my feelings...and how I deal with my situations. It may not work for you...but it sure works for me.

Trust...there..i said it!

What is trust? And no, I don't mean the condoms!

The dictionary defines trust as a firm belief in the reliability, ability, truth or strength of someone or something. The Bible defines it as believing and leaning on the word of God or God himself.

What is your definition of trust? What is mine, you ask?

Well, honestly, I don't know how I can define trust. I would say it's believing in someone or something. Putting ALL your hopes on that someone or something. Somehow like, allowing every part of that thing or person inside your life.

Personally, I trust in God. Because He's never failed me, even in my darkest hours. He always comes through for me and am always assured that He's by my side and that He loves me no matter what.

My trust in man? Well, that depends on a whole lot of issues. First, my relationship with the person. How long have I known them? How deep is my relationship with them?

Second, my past experiences with the person. Have I been betrayed before by this person? Have they taken advantage of me at one time or another?

Third, the past of that person. I know we're not supposed to judge or lean on the past but hold on. Listen to me before you come baying for my blood. Is this person known for taking advantage of others and keeps doing it? Is this person hooked onto breaking others hearts and still does? You get?! If a person has a history and is still doing it as of now, definitely you'll tend to trust them on certain levels.

Right now, am going through trust issues with my heart. I'm not sure if I can trust anyone with my heart anymore after what I've been through before. As much as I want to be cautious, sometimes I find myself taking the risk and putting my heart into something I'm not sure will work out.

Well, I guess it's true what they say. Life is all about taking risks.

This crazy thing called love

When I first saw you, I didn't look twice. Not because you weren't all that. But because I thought you were just like the rest. Tall, dark and handsome. But dogs. Cruel, mean dogs.

We talked. We laughed. We watched the sunset together. And I thought to myself, "He isn't that bad after all." But I didn't want to repeat the same mistakes I made in the past. Spend a lil' time with somebody and soon enough, I'm falling in love. This time, I wanted to take things slow. Real slow. Give my heart a break from all the stress I've put it through.

We became friends. Good friends. We played childish games, a lil' hide and seek. A lil' bit of "Twister". We looked at each other adoringly. We gave flirty naughty smiles in public. We held hands when no one was looking. We stole kisses in the dark. All this...because we were growing fond of each other.

Weeks passed. Months. And now it's almost a year since we knew each other. Ed's note: We're not even dating. But we still can't keep away from each other. Phonecalls and texts every morning and evening. Coffee and chocolate cake over the weekends. We lead busy lives, but we ALWAYS have time for each other.

Now I lie here on my bed thinking. Am I wasting my time? Should I ask him out? Or should I wait for him to ask me? You hint now and then of how you wouldn't mind seeing my smile every morning, twenty years from now. I hint how I wouldn't mind carrying your babies. We both have aspirations. Dreams. Ambitions. Of the future. The future together.

We haven't taken any bold step. We still fancy each other but we're not formally 'together'. I watch you walk away after our lunch date, and ask myself, "Is this it? Is this what I've been looking for? Am I on the right track?" But my heart starts playing tricks with me.

"Shut up!You've been through this before. I've been broken enough times. And yet, you wanna do it again?"

"But this is different. We didn't anticipate all this, and yet it's coming all together. We didn't anticipate to fall in love, but look at us now....."

"....but you're not sure aren't you?" My heart retorted. "You're scared of getting me broken again, aren't you?"

"Not really. I'm not sure if I can trust him with you. I'm not sure if he'll take of you this time and the years beyond. I'm not sure if he can heal you from your wounds."

My kept still then whispered, "Sweetie, if it's meant to be, then it will be. Don't rush into anything. Take it slow. But trust me, I do believe you will get your one true love. One who will take care of both you and me."

"Thanks heart." I walked away. Looked back. Saw you turn back and look at me. Our eyes met. Then like a choreographed dance, we looked down again and walked off.

For sure, we weren't sure.

Money talks

I'm in love with a billionaire. Not a millionaire. A billionaire.

He promised to buy off the Masai Mara from the government and make it home. So that I could enjoy the beautiful sunrise every morning. Fresh air. Cool breeze. Gazelles grazing yonder. Lions roar in the horizon. Champagne breakfast. Buttered toast and caviar. Lazy days in tight embrace. Relaxing massages.

He promised around-the-world-in-80days-trips. South Africa to Egypt. Dubai to Paris. The Alps to London. Holland to Hollywood. Canada to Brazil. Cuba to Australia.

..to be continued....

I'M PREGNANT!

I went for it. I defied all odds and made the decision. I knew there would be consequences but i didn't care.

A few weeks later, i discovered something...i was pregnant! I went to Him to tell him what i found out. Contrary to my thoughts, he was happy, excited, ecstatic..all the happy words you can think of. I told him he was crazy. Then He told me He was crazy about me. What?! I told Him again and again that I was pregnant. He shouted " I LOVE YOU!"

Now this was turning out to be very weird, so i told Him that am getting rid of the baby. He pleaded, "Don't!Please don't!" And i gave him all the reasons why i was not ready to have a baby but He kept insisting that i should keep it. I could not take this abnormality any more so i walked out on Him and went to see a doctor.

The doctor told me that i could not have an abortion because i was already mature into the pregnancy. What?! How's that possible and i just found out two weeks ago. My tummy's not even swollen?! But he gave me one last look and said "It's either you keep the baby or you die with it inside you." I thought the world around me was going insane. Or was it me?! I went to five more doctors to get a second...or rather a fifth opinion about aborting. And crazy enough, they all said the same thing as the first doctor.

I went back to my love and cried at His feet, "Am not ready for this. All this is new to me. Where do i start? How will make it?" And with love in His eyes and a warm embrace, He whispered "I will help you. We're in this together."

And at that very moment..i gave birth. And together we named it PURPOSE!

Blame Game

These were some thoughts I had when we (Kenya) was going through a tough time during the post-election chaos.

Who is to blame?

Is it the politicians. The so-called leaders who rant and rave everyday. Crying for justice. Justice for who? For their own desires or for the people who voted them in. They talk to portray their "active role" in society. Yet their walk leads them straight to their palatial homes. Leaving behind the homeless, the unemployed, the hungry, the poor.

Who is to blame?

Is it the foreign bodies. The humanitarian organisations who come handy when a crisis looms. The NGO's and foreign embassies who have something to say when hell breaks loose. The people who create a "dependency syndrome" in our people. Instead of empowering them to rise up and do something that they would call their own.

Who is to blame?

Is it the churches and religious bodies. Who preach prosperity in good times but have a different message when poverty severes. Who preach but do not act. Words that do not feed the mouth of hungry babes. Words that do not place a roof over the cold, disease-stricken adults. Words that encourage but leave the victims in the same condition.

Who is to blame?

Is it Kenyans. The citizens of the country. From Muthaiga to Kibera. The ones who vote in the same leaders they want out. Complaints of every kind spilling from their souls. "Why can't my MP give me a job? Why can't the President feed my children? Tunaomba serilkali itusaidie." People who have knowledge. People with skills. People with an individual mind and can think of ways of fleeing poverty. People who need to know and be aware of their rights.

Who is to blame?

Is it God. For letting this happen. For causing strife and war to occur. For allowing ethnic divides. For keeping quiet on the whole issue.

Who is to blame?

That, my friend, is the question.

Desire

I want you. But I can't have you. I don't really need you. But you're always in my thoughts. In my mind. I want to talk to you. But my mouth glues up. I want to see you. But your just a mirage. I dream about you. But when I wake up, it's just that. A dream. I talk about you. But we never have conversation. I long to be with you. But my arms can't reach you. I see a future with you. But that's all it is. A foresight.

Am going crazy. Am losing my mind. Am acting all weird. All because of you.

I try to erase you from my mind. But you keep haunting me. I wish I could stop the torment. The pain. The anxiety. But it remains just that. A feeling. An emotion.

All I can do now. All I can hope for. Is wait. Is wait for you to come to me. Is wait to hear what my Daddy's got to say 'bout u. 'Bout us. Is wait patiently. Is wait fervently.

Because as the cliche goes. True love waits. Good things come to those who wait.

So i wait...

Half a girl's life.

1st birthday. I can finally say 'mama'. I can walk. I get what I want when I give that cute ol' puppy-eyes look.

6th birthday. First day in school. Strange faces. Strange black wall. Strange white writings on the black wall. They call it 'A B C D'.

10th birthday. Boy approaches me. Cute boy. He wants to hold my hand. I shy off and run to my friends.

13th birthday. Weird things happening in my body. I feel like I like boys. I don't want to like boys. But I feel drawn to them.

16th birthday. I'm the ISH! Don't tell me what to do. I know what am doing. It's my life. So don't bug me. Cute boy now likes me. Cute boy and me are together now. Forever. (Or so I think)

18th birthday. Finally, adulthood! NO, my mama tells me. But I'm legal now. I can drink. I can club. I'm free. 'Not when you're under my roof' Mama screams.

21st birthday. Now am technically an adult. School's almost over. Enough heartbreaks. I'm independent. (Or so I think)

25th birthday. I make my own decisions. I pay my own bills. Pressure builds...'When are you bringing a man home' retorts Mama. The hunt begins. Not for cute boy. But for man. Man willing to love me. Forever. (for real)